The Awesome Tumblr of Awesomeness

'Big Brother 9' champ accused of selling oxycodone

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:01:44 -0500

'Big Brother 9' champ accused of selling oxycodone:

He just had enough to re-up again.

Man receives get out of jail free card; declines to use it

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 17:00:44 -0500

Man receives get out of jail free card; declines to use it:

I guess it’s understandable.

Pakistanis make fetish and bondage gear; profit handsomely

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 19:31:19 -0500

Pakistanis make fetish and bondage gear; profit handsomely:

The lady in the main picture would die if she knew what that whip was going to be used for.

700 NYC Teachers Are Paid to Do Nothing

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 17:00:47 -0500

700 NYC Teachers Are Paid to Do Nothing :

We need to pay good teachers more and let the market relegate these morons to the jobs at McDonald’s they deserve. Yay unions.

New online ‘tramp game’ sparks outrage

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 17:05:47 -0500

New online ‘tramp game’ sparks outrage:

This doesn’t surprise me in the least. I expect nothing less from a people who pride themselves on snobbery and elitism.

Guys, make sure your woman knows where you are if you’ll...

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 17:03:47 -0500

Guys, make sure your woman knows where you are if you’ll be out of touch for a while.

GOP blasts stimulus dollars to study college hook-ups

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 17:02:47 -0500

GOP blasts stimulus dollars to study college hook-ups:

I’d happily study hooking up. Party at my place, and oh by the way, I just happen to have $219,000 lying around.

6 Ways to Improve Reality Dating Shows (With Cruelty)

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 17:01:46 -0500

6 Ways to Improve Reality Dating Shows (With Cruelty):

We need this to happen, stat.

Reasons why you should have a camera phone

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 17:06:46 -0500

Reasons why you should have a camera phone:

I love the shirt on the girl talking to Bill Clinton.

How China Negotiates With Kidnappers

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 17:05:51 -0500

How China Negotiates With Kidnappers:

Part of me agrees with this approach.

Tony the Tiger remembers his roots

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 17:05:50 -0500

Tony the Tiger remembers his roots:

What took him so long?

Physical theories as women

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 17:03:47 -0500

Physical theories as women:

No wonder I hate Newtonian gravity. She ruined my life.

Hidden Subliminal Image Samples

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 17:02:45 -0500

Hidden Subliminal Image Samples:

Why couldn’t they have more interesting things in the background?

Random thoughts from people 25-35 yrs old

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 23:03:36 -0500

aileen365:

My good friend Matt emailed me a list of “random thoughts form people 25-35 yrs old” and it had me in stitches. I wanted to share my favorites with you guys.

-I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

-I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That’s enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

-I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories.

-Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

-There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

-I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 21:58:59 -0500

Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”
And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

(via furk)

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 21:34:39 -0500

(via furk)

Chinese Man Steals Motorcycle - Piece by Piece - For 5 Years

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 16:46:44 -0500

Chinese Man Steals Motorcycle - Piece by Piece - For 5 Years:

He’s the Chinese Andy Dufresne.

Waco woman accused of hitting boy in wheelchair during scuffle over ball at Dallas hospital

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 17:01:45 -0500

Waco woman accused of hitting boy in wheelchair during scuffle over ball at Dallas hospital:

In her spare time, she decapitates kittens and tells small children that there’s no Santa Claus.

Woman in Tunisia pregnant with 12 babies

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 16:58:06 -0500

Woman in Tunisia pregnant with 12 babies:

How many babies can a woman carry before her stomach bursts?

Expedia Survey of World's Tourists Finds French to Be the Worst

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 17:01:45 -0500

Expedia Survey of World's Tourists Finds French to Be the Worst:

Using dogs as shark bait, participating in institutional racism, and now this. What else can these loathsome people get up to?